EVERYTHING IS A LIE

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So I’m in Los Angeles for the week visiting my pal and seeing the sights and shit. It’s hella good. Do you know what’s not good?! LIES. Let me tell you a wee story.

To get here, I got the night bus from Glasgow to London (8 hours), then flew for 11 hours and 20 minutes. When you include time between the bus and the airport, customs, getting from the airport to my pal’s place, I ended up travelling for close to 26 hours.

Before I leave, I check my period planner app, because you know, I’m a modern woman. Turns out Aunt Flo was due to visit me on the day I flew out. Fuck that. Fuck that for a laugh. There is no chance I am travelling for that length of time clunge deep in tampons. And also, fuck being on my period on holiday.

So I go to the doctor and get me some period delay tablets. I’ve had great reviews from da gurlz so I’m like cool, sign me up. Give me the drugs. Tell that bitch Aunt Flo that I hate her and never want to see her again.

Well, everything was going swimmingly, just a few drips and drabs here and there. Nothing I can’t deal with, because like I said, I’m a modern woman. I’m loving these tablets.

EXCEPT FOR THE STUPID TIME DIFFERENCE MESSED UP MY PILL TAKING SCHEDULE SO I’M 8 HOURS BEHIND AND MY STUPID UTERUS IS AN IMPATIENT BITCH AND DECIDES TO JUST EXPLODE EVERYWHERE WHEN I’M WALKING DOWN THE STREET LIKE THE STUPID DUMB BITCH SHE IS AND I HAVE TO RUN BACK ALL DAMP AND MOIST IN THE BAD WAY AND CLOG HER UP AND SHOUT AT HER AND GIVE HER A SMACK. THE PILLS ARE A LIE AND I HATE THEM.

It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow! We’re going to a party! I was gonna find me a hot American and bang him in the bathroom! It was gonna be romantic! But no. No. I’m not allowed to have nice things. I have to suffer. I have to bleed. I have to have my dreams of banging a rich American man who will fund my extravagant lifestyle shattered.

I bet you Jon Bon Jovi is at this party and we’re having a great time and falling in love and just as we’re about to kiss I have to leave and change my tampon. Standard Judy.

I mean, why would they tease me like that? It was going so well, I was wearing light grey and having a carefree time! I was taking the pills regularly! Why would they do this to me? I DESERVE HAPPINESS. I am never taking them again. You hear me, pills? We’re over. Done. Finito. You are dead to me.

Urrrgh I need to go get tampons. I hope they work the same in America.

WHAT TIME IS IT? IT’S VALENTINES!

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Well, almost. Yes, we are fast approaching my absolute favourite day of the year. Despite being ridiculously single, and have been for the last 4 Valentine’s Days, I still absolutely love this day, because I’m a massive romantic and love that this is essentially a free pass to go as wild as you like with your affection showers. And boy, do I go wild! Anyway, with V-Day creeping up around the corner, and writing my show, I’ve been thinking a lot about my attitude to love and relationships and how this is developing and growing.

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Optimism and Potatoes

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I’ve been having a bit of a wild week. I’ve had several panic attacks, the worst I’ve ever had, and also had a new experience with paralysing anxiety. I’ve never had that before! It was wild! I literally couldn’t move because my anxiety was through the roof. However, ten minutes later after I recovered, I was dancing around my bedroom to Altered Images. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: borderline personality disorder is a fucking rollercoaster. A rollercoaster of fun!

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The Bear Went Over The Mountain.

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You may be familiar with the nursery rhyme “The Bear Went Over The Mountain”. Unsurprisingly it’s about a bear. And he goes over a mountain. He goes over to see what he can see. And all that he can see is the other side of the mountain. Now, for most humans this won’t come as a shock. Mountains have two sides. When you get to the top, unless it’s pure foggy, you’re gonna see the other side of the mountain. But how does the bear feel about this? Is this a nursery rhyme of woe or of wonderment? I’m not sure.

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