No, I’m not Josh Hartnett. I’m much sexier. However, I did also have an agonising experience that lasted 40 days and 40 nights, and it did also involve vaginas. Maybe I am him. I call this story: The Tale of the Late Period.
Last year, I spent a lot of time receiving mixed signals from men I was interested in. They were hot, they were cold, they were yes, they were no, they were Katy Perry, they weren’t Katy Perry. It was all a tad confusing. However, maybe it wasn’t all their fault.
So I’m in Los Angeles for the week visiting my pal and seeing the sights and shit. It’s hella good. Do you know what’s not good?! LIES. Let me tell you a wee story.
Well, almost. Yes, we are fast approaching my absolute favourite day of the year. Despite being ridiculously single, and have been for the last 4 Valentine’s Days, I still absolutely love this day, because I’m a massive romantic and love that this is essentially a free pass to go as wild as you like with your affection showers. And boy, do I go wild! Anyway, with V-Day creeping up around the corner, and writing my show, I’ve been thinking a lot about my attitude to love and relationships and how this is developing and growing.
I’ve been having a bit of a wild week. I’ve had several panic attacks, the worst I’ve ever had, and also had a new experience with paralysing anxiety. I’ve never had that before! It was wild! I literally couldn’t move because my anxiety was through the roof. However, ten minutes later after I recovered, I was dancing around my bedroom to Altered Images. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: borderline personality disorder is a fucking rollercoaster. A rollercoaster of fun!
You may be familiar with the nursery rhyme “The Bear Went Over The Mountain”. Unsurprisingly it’s about a bear. And he goes over a mountain. He goes over to see what he can see. And all that he can see is the other side of the mountain. Now, for most humans this won’t come as a shock. Mountains have two sides. When you get to the top, unless it’s pure foggy, you’re gonna see the other side of the mountain. But how does the bear feel about this? Is this a nursery rhyme of woe or of wonderment? I’m not sure.
Frankie famously said relax. But he didn’t say how. Now, I’m not trying to blame Frankie Goes To Hollywood for my perpetual tense state, I’m just saying if you’re going to tell me to do something, at least give me instructions.