One of the many, many symptoms of having borderline personality disorder is having an unstable sense of self. Basically how you view yourself can constantly change, going from hella good to hella shite, and no true sense of identity. This is something I’ve been struggling with a lot recently and it’s all down to one thing: Music League.

For those of you who don’t know what Music League is, I envy you. You are the luckiest people alive. Forget lottery winners. Those of you who have not experienced the highs and lows of Music League, heed my warning: do not enter a league. Do not do it. Basically, a group of you get together and anonymously submit songs based on a prompt, for example “I’m hella cool. Songs about being cool as fuck”, and then you all vote on the best song and leave a bunch of scathing comments on all the shite entries. I’ll admit, it is a whole bunch of fun, and I have discovered some absolute bangers through it.

I’m currently admin for a league and I am running it with an iron fist. Naturally, I made every single category related to me somehow. I mean, it’s my Music League. Why the hell wouldn’t I? I’m not insane. Such incredible categories include: songs that mention the name Judy, songs about how hot I am and songs in a foreign language. Everyone in the group has admitted that these are the best categories ever suggested, and can’t stop singing my praises. I’m a natural good leader with impeccable taste. All hail Judy.

OR SO I THOUGHT! We’re currently on round 5 and I’m slipping. I’m sliding down the table into the abyss. The crown is getting further and further away from me, and my dreams of gloating and lording it all over everyone is slipping away. And it’s got me thinking:

Am I bad at music?!

I’ve always known that I was hella cool. Look. Look how cool I am:

Signs can’t lie. They’d get sued. God, I look like such a badass. I am so cool.

But maybe my music taste isn’t. I know I’ve got a bit of an eclectic taste, and this is largely due to absolutely insane music my dad would play growing up. Going from Dr Demento, to the Andrew Sisters, to the KLF, to the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack all in a days work. So yeah, I’ve got a wide range of tastes. And they’re all good! Well, I think so?

But the voters would disagree. In round 4, I came dead last. With an incredible song too. But obviously, it wasn’t. It scored lower than Babycakes. Was it a bad song? No. Is everyone in my group just the worst? Yes.

I AM COOL, RIGHT?!?! This whole palaver has got me questioning my taste in music, my decision making skills, my leadership abilities. Maybe if I’m wrong about being good at those things, then I’m wrong about being cool?! URGH, COULD YOU IMAGINE!!!!!

No. I am not a loser. I’m hella cool. I am. I am.

One thing I’ll know I’ll never question myself over is how hot I am. I’m literally stunning.

Maybe I just have to accept that I was wrong. I don’t have great taste in music. I have questionable taste. Or maybe I’ll just live in denial and insist that the voters are wrong.

Yeah, that sounds more appealing.

Don’t Talk To Me About Love comes to the Glasgow International Comedy Festival on Tuesday 21st March 2023, 6.45pm at McChuills. Get your tickets here.