If you know me, you know my first defining feature is that I’m super hot. The second most defining thing about me is that I am super cool.

Exhibit A:

Ever seen anything cooler? No, me neither.

Despite being ridiculously cool, the one thing I cannot do for the life of me is play it cool. I have zero chill. When it comes to pub quizzes, bingo, decorating and especially dating I have no idea how to not get obsessively invested and go all in. I mean ALL in.

Exhibit B:

-I asked a guy to marry me on our first date. He said no.

It’s been nearly 3 months since I last snogged anyone. Three months. In the life of a mad shagger, that’s an eternity. I’m trying to play it cool and you know, not come on too strong. But man alive it’s hard. So, to no one’s surprise, I have failed drastically.

I like to get straight to the point. If I like someone and want to snog them, I will tell them.

Exhibit C: (some drunken messages)

-“I wkukd very much like to have sex with you.” (spelling is correct)

-“Why don’t you love me?”

-“Send nudes”

It’s had mixed responses, but sadly it hasn’t sealed the deal. Still, fingers crossed. Miracles can happen.

I’ve decided to go back on Tinder and see if I can calm it down and, you know, not fall in love in 2 minutes. I highly doubt I can. But, here’s the plan. My phone is a piece of shit and does not support the latest version of the Tinder app. So I can only use it on my laptop. Which means I can only access it when I’m at home. Which means I won’t be able to message whomever I match with all day every day. Which means I can finally play it cool.

That’s the theory anyway.  I deffz haven’t been sat at home on my laptop obsessively swiping, and hoping and praying to match with a hot man. Deffz not. That’s totally, totally not my scene.

I think I just find this whole playing it cool thing boring. This whole back and forth, will they/won’t they dynamic. I just like to know where I stand. I want to bang you, do you want to bang me, sound, let’s bang. “But what about getting to know them first?” I hear you holler. Well, the thing is, I don’t bang strangers. So if I want to bang you, it’s because I think you are hot, and I like you as a person. Actually, going by my track record, I don’t even have to find you hot. Yer gal has banged many, many an average looking man (such a fucking LAD). I just like you in some way or form and think we would have lovely babies. That’s all! I just want your babies. And your undying love. And for you to never leave me. And to bang. Is that too much to ask?!

You see how that sentence escalated? That’s my life. That’s my moves. That’s probably why I’m single. I know I have deep rooted attachment issues, which I have been working hella hard to control. Believe it or not, I am making progress. Hurrah!

But still, just fucking love me already.

Where was I? Yes, playing it cool. I am 100% going to fail. No doubt about it. But let’s just see if I can go on a date with someone, have a beautiful bang, and not plan our wedding immediately afterwards. Let’s give that a bash.

Any hints or advice on how to play it cool are highly encouraged. Please help. (Or love me.)