Feelings

Good news everyone- yer gurl is getting feelings again. I am no longer an emotionless robot. It is terrifying.

One of my favourite quotes is from Chuck Palahniuk’s book “Choke”:

Love is bullshit. Emotion is bullshit. I am a rock. A jerk. I’m an uncaring asshole and proud of it. What would Jesus not do?”

I even got “WWJND” tattooed on me. Because he’s right. Love is bullshit. Emotion is bullshit. It’s all going to end in tears and heartache so why bother. Be a rock. Be an uncaring asshole. Reject all sort of affection and intimacy. It’s all bullshit.

I had completely given up all sort of hope for love. I couldn’t do it anymore- it’s too bloody hard. Every time I thought I was getting there, and allowing myself to be happy, it would come crashing down and be shit. I’d feel like an idiot for believing that this time it would be different. So I closed up shop. The ole vag was out of action. The heart had turned to stone.

But then, well, yer gurl got needs. She’s wanting serviced. And serviced I got, oh boy! High five me. Ladsladslads! LADS! Yaaas! Whoop whoop! It turns out, I am still super hot. I am still incredibly desirable, and super hot. Look at me.

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That was my Halloween costume. Look how hot I am.

Anyway, before I get distracted by looking at myself, I regained confidence and reminded myself that I am hot. And I allowed myself to start having emotions again.

Emotions are terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. As you probably know, I have mad attachment issues, which makes me an absolute delight to date. I am so scared of letting someone in and getting my hopes up, just to be dumped again.

BUT IT’S SO HARD BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AND HE IS SO SEXY AND URRRRRRRRGH!!

I’ve deffz caught the feels. Whilst it is nice to not be a robot anymore, I am proceeding with caution. I made a promise to my pal that I would take things slow, so I am going to try and honour that. I will more than likely fail. But I am going to try because I can’t go through it again. I’ve got to try and protect my heart. I’ve got to get some sort of self-control.

I have rediscovered feelings. But, gurl, remind yourself: WWJND.

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