It’s been a while since I’ve updated you on what’s going on in the FC world. The main reason for that is: I’m tired. I’m fucking exhausted. I needed a break. A big ole break from everything. No writing, no acting, nothing.
How did it make me feel?
I should be doing something. I should be creating something. I have to work. I have to work. I’m never going to get anywhere if I can’t work.
Then I attempt some writing:
No, I don’t like the way this is going. I need to change this. Ok, that’s a bit better. No it’s terrible. I don’t like it. I’m going to take a break and clear my head for a bit.
I should be working. I should be working. I should be working.
I’m putting a huge amount of pressure on myself to produce, to create and it’s exhausting. People ask me what I’m working on now and if I say “nothing at the moment”; I feel like a failure. So I have to make shit up. I have a few ideas I’m working on, just want to figure out what to focus on. Which isn’t a lie, it’s the truth. I’ve got ideas coming out of my eyes. My beautiful, big, brown eyes. God, they’re amazing. Mmmm.
I’m not where I want to be with my career and whilst that is giving me a goal to work towards, it’s also a reminder that I’m not where I want to be. After doing a shit load of work over the past couple of years, I’m still doing shit.
Except….I’m not actually doing shit am I? I’m actually doing pretty damn well. I mean, just last week I was cast in a short film. Didn’t even have to audition- I was asked to do the part. So I must be doing something right with acting.
And when I stop and think about everything I have done in the past three years: written an hour long play, produced it, performed it for 20 days at the biggest arts festival in the world. Redrafted it, produced it, performed it for 3 days at a smaller festival. On top of doing all the marketing and promotion. And working 40 hours a week. And dating. And having a social life. And buying a flat. And starting a new job. And dating (so much dating ladsladslads). And doing improv. And teaching. And performing. And acting. And taking acting classes. When I think about that, it’s no fucking wonder I’m exhausted.
I took my first ever acting class when I was 25. I’m almost 30. I need to remember that I have done a fuckload of things in these last five years, and it’s ok to have a break. I need to stop being so hard on myself and learn to relax and enjoy my life.
It’s ok to take a break.
But now that break is over. Writers write, Judy. So get clacking on those keys. Let’s see where the next 5 years take us.