Well, almost. Yes, we are fast approaching my absolute favourite day of the year. Despite being ridiculously single, and have been for the last 4 Valentine’s Days, I still absolutely love this day, because I’m a massive romantic and love that this is essentially a free pass to go as wild as you like with your affection showers. And boy, do I go wild! Anyway, with V-Day creeping up around the corner, and writing my show, I’ve been thinking a lot about my attitude to love and relationships and how this is developing and growing.
If you’ve been following my blog, you’ll know that I have terrible luck with men. Horrendous luck. I mean, it’s making for a good show, so that’s great, but overall it’s a bit shit. Basically what happens is that I like someone, they like me back, and then BOOM it’s over, and I end up taking a massive hit to the ole self-esteem. Things have not worked out for various reasons, but never because I’m not hot enough, so you know, massive win for me there. I really am ridiculously attractive.
One of the things I am guilty of doing is getting over excited. If you’ve ever watched Peep Show, I’m like Mark Corrigan when he thinks every single woman is The One. I can’t help it. I just can’t believe that someone I like actually likes me back and wants to spend time with me. Like I said, I have terrible self-esteem. Shit loads of self-confidence, but not a lot of self-esteem. So I get all excited and giddy and start planning shit we could do together. I start thinking what we’ll be like a couple, the potential the relationship could have. Rather than focusing on what the situation is actually like at this moment. I get too wrapped up in this fantasy, this idea of a relationship, and so when the inevitable separation occurs, it’s this delusion that I’m mourning. Sure, I miss them, I do, but what I realised recently that I am mainly grieving the death of all the things it could have been. We could have been the next power couple. But we weren’t good for each other. We could have had lots of happy and fun times. But we weren’t having those.
Essentially, I’m breaking my own heart. These things I get sad about were never actually part of the relationship. When I look back with fresh eyes, I can see that no I wasn’t happy in the relationship. We weren’t compatible. We didn’t spark joy. Whenever I got ditched, I would always think that something’s wrong with me and I’m not good enough for them. But now I’m realising, they weren’t good for me. I have been with several guys (cause I’m a fucking lad) and have put up with a lot of shite. I’ve experienced partners who are controlling, suicidal, maniuplative, lazy, unambitious, gas-lighting-y (is that a word? Yes.), emotionally unavailable and I would put up with that because I was in love with the idea of our relationship and the potential it has.
Well, not anymore. I’m going to try my damn hardest to not get too ahead of myself and to focus on what is currently happening in the relationship and not what could be. That is, if I ever decide to be in another relationship. If I can’t find someone who sparks joy in my empty empty heart, then fuck it. I’m done settling.
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY! I hope your day is filled with glitter. Mine is going to be filled with so much coffee.