I’ve been having a bit of a wild week. I’ve had several panic attacks, the worst I’ve ever had, and also had a new experience with paralysing anxiety. I’ve never had that before! It was wild! I literally couldn’t move because my anxiety was through the roof. However, ten minutes later after I recovered, I was dancing around my bedroom to Altered Images. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: borderline personality disorder is a fucking rollercoaster. A rollercoaster of fun!
Despite all this, I’m feeling positive. Following on from my post about the bear going over the mountain, I’m reminding myself to be optimistic. I love planning and getting stressed out about the future, but I gotta learn to stop. Some things are outwith my control, so relax and go with the flow. Like in improv- focus on what is happening now.
I wanted to share a piece from my new show Don’t Talk To Me About Love about optimism to remind myself that if the bear can do it, so can you.
One of the things I miss most when I’m single is potatoes. Sure, there’s the emptiness, the loneliness, the constant self-berating that something must be wrong with you. You know, standard shit. But what I feel is severely underrated is the lack of potatoes in your diet. It’s not something major that you’ll notice straight away, like an empty bed, it’s something more subtle. I had been single for about 3 months and I was in the kitchen, about to make some cracking pasta, and it hit me. I haven’t cooked a potato since I got dumped. And let me tell you, I bloody love potatoes. They are delicious. They are incredibly nutritious, packed full of vitamins and minerals. And remarkably versatile! They can be creamy, crunchy, big, small. You can eat them hot or cold, plain or jazzed up, skins on, skins off. The possibilities are endless. Personally, I like a good mashed potato. Second would be roasted and I think third would be chipped. Potatoes are great, let’s all agree. So why wasn’t I eating them? Why was I on a constant diet of pasta and rice? Why was I denying myself the sweet, or salty, euphoria? Well, it turns out when you live alone, and you cook for one, and you have an empty life; your potatoes will go off before you can use them. It’s true. My bag of potatoes sat there in my cool, darken cupboard, and no matter how many meals I incorporated them into, they always grew those weird white eye things and became inedible. So I just had to stop buying them. And I miss them. I know what you’re thinking: why don’t you just buy smaller bags? Why don’t you just buy them loose and only what you need? I’ll tell you why: I’m optimistic. I’m a strong, independent woman, and I don’t need no man to get through this bag. I will get through this. I will not have this bag defeat me. I am a winner. Yeah, it never works. Even the potatoes know; Judy, gurl, you a loser. But I decided enough was enough. I was in Asda the other day, and I thought fuck this. I’m doing it. I’m buying 2.5kg of potatoes and I’m going to eat every single one of them. I will eat them mashed, I will eat them fried. I will bake them, curry them, fuck it, I’ll even boil them. I am going to get through this. And you know what? I did it. I managed to eat 2.5kg of potatoes in 3 days. 3 days. As I threw out the empty bag, I felt a sense of achievement. Like finally, everything was going to be ok. Sure, I might not get through the entire bag every time, but I can do it. When times are tough and I feel like giving up, I just remember- you demolished that bag of potatoes, and you can do it again. For the life of me, I don’t want to do it again any time soon. That was far too many potatoes for me to handle, I really should have thought it out better. But I can, and I will. I’m a winner, baby. I’m a winner.