The Alice Deejay Conundrum

The year was 1999. The threat of Y2K hung large in the air. Ross and Rachel got drunk and married in Las Vegas. The Blair Witch Project terrified audiences across the globe. And in the background, blaring out of every major radio station, Alice Deejay asked us: “Do you think you’re better off alone?” Now, for an 11 year old girl, that’s quite a lot to handle.

We listen to a lot of 90s dance music at work. Like, a lot. Which is lucky for me, because I absolutely love 90s dance music. But, what I don’t love, is Alice Deejay constantly demanding to know if I think I’m better off alone. Because, you know what Ms. Deejay? I don’t fucking know. I honestly don’t.

These last two years have been hard. Obviously. But it has made me a shitload of self-reflecting and that. When we entered Second Lockdown in October 2020, I was essentially alone until June 2021. Living alone (no bubble), single and furloughed: I spent about 90% of my time alone. Sure, I Zoomed a lot, and you know, said “hello” and “thanks” to the shop assistants, went on the odd walk with a pal or two. But basically: alone. Was I better off?

In some ways: yes.

Regular readers will know that yer gurl’s got the ole borderline personality disorder, and that comes with a helluva lotta fun, but also mad attachment and abandonment issues, including forming intense but unstable relationships. So being alone is pretty difficult. Well, not so much being alone, more being single and alone. Because if I’m single and alone it means that no-one loves me, which triggers a lot of self-destructive behaviours and that is not a helluva lotta fun. Actually, it is at the time, but not afterz.

Anyway, back to being alone over lockdown. Mate, it was a fucking riot. I did not do too well. I was sad, I was lonely, I felt like no-one cared about me. I deleted a shit load of people from Facebook, I got rid of my Instagram, and I basically cut off a lot of the world. However, it wasn’t all doom and gloom!

I started getting therapy from the Glasgow Cognitive Therapy Centre. My therapist was super lovely and gave me a lot of coping mechanisms and strategies for dealing with anxiety, my attachment issues and feelings of abandonments. With her help, I came to the realisation:

I kinda don’t care about being single and alone.

I know right?! Former mad shagger Judy, who was desperate for someone to love her and make her feel wanted. Who needed that validation from a partner that I was good and worthy of love. How the times have changed! I went about a year without kissing anybody, and I just didn’t care. I didn’t miss banging, and I still don’t really. I realised I am demisexual, which for me means that I don’t really have a sex drive unless I am interested in someone. So you know how like some people are just generally horny and are all like “I could go a shag right now”- I don’t have that. I only want to bang if I like someone, and because of the mad intense attachment that comes with BPD, I will like that person hard and want to bang lots.

But I am not ready for that. The last couple of people I liked followed the same ole story: starts off really well, I’m happy and feeling good, excited about spending time with them, then BOOM! They dump me. Every fucking time. And, like, I’m super hot. Ridiculously attractive. Look at me:

So hot, right?!

I can’t take the emotional mindfuck that comes with having feelings for someone anymore. It’s not worth it. I am happy being single and alone, and I honestly can say I don’t care if I ever meet anyone or be in another relationship. Fuck ’em. Can’t be arsed. Which is quite handy with the ole demisexuality, because due to my low sex drive, I’m not gonna be thinking with my vagina. I’m not just gonna jump into bed with someone because I’ve got the horn and end up in this same situation where I inevitably get dumped or ghosted, because I won’t get the horn unless I start to develop feelings for someone, and I’m not gonna develop feelings for someone because fuck ’em.

Yer gurl’s gonna die alone, surrounded by glitter and cardboard cut outs of Jon Bon Jovi. And I’m ok with that.

So to answer Alice Deejay’s question: Do you think you’re better off alone? Romantically: yes. 100% yes.

But in other aspects of my life, such as friendships and family, I gotta say to Ms. Deejay, no. I am not better off alone.

I mentioned earlier that I deleted a shit load of people off Facebook and sorta isolated myself from friends. Not in a malicious way, more in a self-destructive, anxiety induced rampage. I can’t really describe it, I guess it’s kinda like when you have a bit of a manic period and cut yourself a fringe?? Kinda a bit like that? Yeah, let’s stick with that simile (Is an analogy? Maybe? A similogy. There.)

Did I feel better? Slightly. I had a lot of people on my socials who I didn’t really know too well, or didn’t really interact with, or who I used to know and whenever they would pop up, I’d get some mad anxiety induced flashback to an embarrassing memory or something. I struggle a bit with knowing where I belong. Like, I’m part of a lot of groups, and I’m a lot of people’s pal, but I was like… am I your actual friend? Are we actually friends? Do you care about me? Fuck you, deleted!

Like I said, lockdown was hard.

In a way, I was better off alone because I wasn’t being bombarded with so much information and content and I felt a bit better. It allowed me to focus on who was important to me, and I deffz became stronger friends with several of my existing pals because I was able to cut through all the noise.

But then, I did miss people, and wondered what they were up to. I was reminded of Alice Deejay’s second hit: I Want You Back In My Life. Not as catchy, but still a banger. I missed my old friends. I missed my current friends. I was done being sad and isolated- I wanted to get back out into the world and enjoy my life. I want to enjoy catching up, gossiping, relaxing, and having fun. I want to be with people.

And since then, I have rekindled old friendships, I have tried to immerse myself into things I enjoy, and spend more time with the people I love and care about. And actually put effort in. I’m making a conscious effort to connect and embrace the things that make me happy, because although I am 100% better off alone romantically, I can’t survive this big bad world without a support system, and I am hella grateful to have such a kick ass one around me.

Special thanks to Alice Deejay for asking me if I think I’m better off alone. It’s been on my mind for 23 years, and now I finally have an answer.

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