Frankie famously said relax. But he didn’t say how. Now, I’m not trying to blame Frankie Goes To Hollywood for my perpetual tense state, I’m just saying if you’re going to tell me to do something, at least give me instructions.

Despite my appearance as a cool, calm, laid back, easy going gal, I am incredibly stressed all the time. At any given moment, my mind is going through a gazillion thoughts and is constantly planning something. Anything. Everything.

Things I have been stress planning this week include:

• my mother’s birthday, driving, sleeping, money, improv, holidays, recipes, time management, bird noises, car parking, clothing, how to mop, my plants, romance, vitamin tablets, manicures, pyjamas, Shark Tank, mice, work, and crisps.

Some of these things are perfectly normal things to be stressing over and to over analyse and plan, however some really aren’t worth the energy. Take for instance: bird noises. I’ve been having trouble sleeping recently due to copious amounts of coffee, working nights and having afternoon plans. I’m either getting 4 hours sleep or 14. There is no in between. It’s safe to say I’m shattered yet wired and this is causing havoc with my stress levels and intensifying all my planning. I decided to try one of those sleep sound apps- you know the one with rain noises, or the ocean or some mad log cabin in the woods where you’re deffz not going to get stabbed by an enraged ex-lover who is jealous that you’ve moved on without them and somehow got your life back together and are now completely at peace with yourself- that kind of thing. The one I chose has some preset sounds or you can mix your own. Well, I gave the preset ones a bash and yeah, I was satisfied, but still awake. So I decided to mix my own. But what is more calming: birds, or tropical birds? Which one do I find more comforting? As a person of mixed race, I was torn. Half of me wants the British birds with all their familiar chirping and cheeping, the other half wants the Fijian squawk echoing through my ears. Do I chose mum or dad?  Who do I turn to in my sleep deprived hour of need? Do I put them both on and listen to them harmonise, taking me back to my childhood? Do I chose neither and become an emancipated woman? Do I organise some sort of schedule and split my time equally between each set? Weekends with dad, weekdays with mum? What do I do? What can I do?

I’ll tell you what I didn’t do. Sleep. I did not sleep. It was too stressful. And also, I’m still full of caffeine. Honestly, when does it wear off? Hurry up.

I don’t know how to not be stressed. I find relaxing so hard. Seriously, how do you relax? I’m able to relax and get out of my head when I’m performing, I’m quite good at being in the moment. But that’s not the same. I’m still doing something. I’m still performing. How do you relax and stop thinking about every single thing? How do you switch off? But without having to be on stage. Is this a thing? Do other performers have this?

The only other thing aside from performing that has been useful in alleviating my stress levels has been to plan more things. Plan another show. Organise a night out. Meal prep. Make lists. Sort out my clothes. Create. Whilst this has been good, inevitably it ends up giving me more things to get stressed out over. Jeezo Judy, you’re terrible at this.

I cannot for the life of me relax. Breathing exercises don’t work. Taking a bath doesn’t help. Going for a walk is fruitless. Having sex, watching television or reading a book generally do help but the majority of the time I can’t switch off completely.

If Frankie Goes To Hollywood  decide to release a follow up single, sign me the fuck up.